Buffalo residents are encouraged to stay indoors as the second full moon of the year is scheduled to occur at approximately 09:49 EST. The first full moon fell on January 11th, at 03:28 EST, resulting in the maulings of countless Buffalo residents, most of whom were ill-informed of the all-too-real werewolf threat ever present in our city.
“It was kind of dark, and I was just walking Dale,” claims 32-year-old Henry Kowalski of Hamburg. “Then this hairy dude came running up out of nowhere and started growling at us. It was weird, to say the least,” he continued. “To be honest, it could have just been a drunk guy, but since it was a full moon and all, who knows.”
Kowalski and his golden retriever Dale escaped unharmed, but were not the only victims of alleged werewolf attacks that day. 26-year-old Jennifer Watkins fell victim to a similar encounter.
“I was leaving Chippewa with some friends when this gross hairy guy tried talking to us. Then he bit Sylvia and we were all like, ‘Ew! Go away, dirtball!’ He got slobber on her new jeans. It was disgusting.’” After being shown some sketches, Watkins confirmed that she and her friends had encountered what appeared to be a werewolf, and NOT a shirtless Italian, as they had previously believed. “That’s totally weird,” she added.
“The best thing a person can do is stay indoors with the lights off,” says Roger Abernathy, Buffalo’s foremost expert on mythological creatures. My motto is ‘Stay inside, stay unbit.’ I’m trying to find something more catchy, but you get the idea,” he added. During Buffalo’s 2002 Zombie Attacks, Abernathy was responsible for the quick response to the problem, minimizing new infections and preventing what could have been a larger catastrophe.
“Tonight should be the same,” he said. “The best way to prevent a werewolf attack is to just plain stay away from them.”